Spilling out p.1

My mind is all messed up and confused. Due to all things of life it has caused me to feel and think all confusing things in which I am a hypocrite of myself. I know the way people look at me, I look at me like that too. I’m fat and chubby in all the places, awkward and weird in the way I put myself forward; carry myself. I can’t even hold a sustainable intellectual or intriguing conversation. Leaving all who talk to me either annoyed or dulled, most likely both. I hate myself and understand all who do, I wouldn’t want me too. I feel like I am mostly stuck and trapped in my head, my messy and baffling head. Thoughts of attack and consumed by darkness and critical of myself. Maybe I’m too harsh, too judgmental, too overthinking, broken. I start to see my faults later that I could be nicer to me, I could not hate me as much as I do. You’d think if you did the things I do to myself, said the thigs I say, you would be unaware of the damage you are doing, maybe that’s the reason for all this self-destruction. But the problem is I do things mindlessly, ironic, I’ve lost control of the one thing I thought I would be allowed to have control over for the rest of my life. Then later thoughts of what I said, did cause me to be plagued with regret. The regret of everything, consequently driving me to add to the reasons of why I hate myself. I am worthy of being not trusted, hated, avoided, judged. So I do most of the work. I’m tired, all the time I am tired. Mostly, even though I don’t get enough sleep, I am tired just of life, all the daily thoughts I have racing around my head piling quickly over each other. Of what people are thinking about me, what they think of me, that they are probably lying when they something nice, they know that I did that stupid thing, they probably think I am stupid. I am stupid. I am fat. I am annoying. I have lost control. I am weak. Every day I am in a haze, clouded vision, blurred thoughts. Mostly unaware of what I say, forcing myself to seem okay, fun the perfect fifth reserve person. How do people do it? Have the energy to live. Continue with this shittiness. This fucked up world. Be able to have a strong enough mind to feel good enough. To feel they deserve life. Is it possible? Or does everyone just have different coping methods? Everyone broken forced and programmed to continue to put themselves through all the whispers, laughs and cruel world. I try to escape by numbing my mind, try to just put the endless thoughts on the backburner for even a minute. But even all the YouTubers and T.V shows I try to immerse myself into their lives. Try and forget everything. It doesn’t work. No one understands. No one ever understands. When I could not take any more when I was too beat up by everything to messed up by all the things I allow myself to go through, from waking up to finally putting my head back on the pillow I just think what’s the point, what’s the point of all this. Why is all this important? I try to convince myself I don’t care. But I do. Oh, I do care. Maybe I care too much. Everything in my life, from the biggest thing to the smallest I am constantly faced with all the possibilities, every possible thing, everything. Too much is going on. Heart beats constantly rising too much. I tried to get help, you can’t say I didn’t try. They didn’t believe me. They thought I was lying. For attention. I mean there are a lot of ways I could have gotten attention but saying I have been constantly feeling like I was worthless and I pretend to be happy when I’m not, I’m broken inside… I tried. I guess I am not deserving of feeling okay, maybe even happy. Nope, no I’m not.

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